So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
