Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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