Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
