Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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