I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
