Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
