I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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