Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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