Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
