im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
