My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
