The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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