Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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