She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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