Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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