I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
