We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
