What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize