He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
