He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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