He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize