Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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