Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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