I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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