Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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