i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
All I want is dick and wine.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
