apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
