She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
this hospital has no fireball
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
