absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
