Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize