Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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