Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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