What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
