I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
