Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I love you. Go after that dick
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