what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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