I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
