Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
