Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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