I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
