It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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