On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
