Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
