Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
