ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
