i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
being pregnant is like rehab
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
