so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
