I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
