woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
