you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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