My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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