Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
