I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
