Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
