paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
