I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
