My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
