ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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