There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
